Archive for the ‘mothers’ Category
Mother – by Lita Ford – from the new album, “Living Like a Runaway” – Producer / Director: Victory Tischler-Blue | Sacred Dogs Entertainment Group | www.sacr...
This is for all the mothers’ missing their children today on MOTHERS’ DAY. Know that no matter what, you ARE your children’s mother. No one -and certainly no court- can take away this God-given role in your children’s lives. Please know this in your heart and celebrate this day with hope. Hope that the truth will prevail and you will soon be reunited with your precious children. PMA INTL loves and supports you and your children… always Happy Mothers’ Day!!! XO
This songs’ story;
“Mother” is based of Lita Ford’s experience with DV By Proxy, something she dealt with firsthand when she went through her divorce from now ex-husband Jim Gillette. Ford’s has two sons, James (16,) and Rocco 12,) who she has not seen since the divorce, and has told Decibel:
“My kids are with their dad. He brainwashed them and took them from me, telling them, ‘Oh, you don’t want to go with Mommy. Mommy’s bad.’ He put the entire weight of the divorce on my kids, which is the worst thing any parent could do to their child. It’s like losing your child to some sort of freak, like in the mall, or somebody hanging out in bushes or at a bus stop. You hear all these horror stories. Only, I know where they are – that’s the only difference.”
She hopes the track and video will reach her sons, but says:
“He won’t let them hear it. He won’t let them have anything to do with me. He won’t let them look at any photographs. It’s the worst thing that’s ever happened in my life. I wrote this song to tell them how much I love them, that I didn’t mean for this to happen and it’s not my fault. I didn’t do this to them – although they think I did.”
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Excerpted from When Dad Hurts Mom: Helping Your Children Heal the Wounds of Witnessing Abuse by Lundy Bancroft, 2004, G.P. Putnam
Now that I have finished asking you to walk a delicate line between approaching your children as wounded and responding to them as courageous and persevering, I am going to introduce another tricky balancing act:
As much as possible keeping your children from being burdened with adult responsibility, while simultaneously equipping them with strategies for keeping themselves — and you — safe.
If your partner sometimes gets scary or violent, your children are almost certainly aware of the fact, as I discussed early in this book; you cannot avoid that fear by not talking about it. In fact, children feel safer if they can talk to their mothers about how frightened their father’s behavior makes them, and discuss actions they might take next time he erupts. And they aren’t just afraid for themselves; they are worried about you, and they need to be able to express that concern and feel that you hear them. They also want to know how they might be able to protect you.
When you sit with your children, individually or as a group, to talk about safety strategies, be sure to emphasize the following points:
- Adults are responsible for their own safety. Children can help if they want to, but it isn’t their job.
- Safety plans won’t always work, and if someone gets hurt, it isn’t the child’s fault.
- If they make a mistake and do the safety plan wrong, they still aren’t at fault for what happens; the abusive man is always responsible for his own actions.
- They can’t manage Dad or make him change.
- They don’t have to talk with you about safety planning if they don’t want to.
Then begin the discussion by asking your children what they think might help, or what they would like to plan to do next time they feel scared of Dad. Elicit as many ideas from them as possible; in this way you will learn what strategies they may already be using, and they are more likely to be able to effectively practice actions that they have come up with themselves. Then add ideas of your own, and see if you can agree on a plan. Here are some of the strategies I have learned about from families over the years, which you might try to include in your safety plan:
Safety Strategies for Children
- Running out of the home when the incident starts
- Locking themselves in a bedroom
- Locking themselves in a room that has a telephone, and calling for help
- Arranging a code word with friends or relatives, so that they can use the phone to call for help without the abuser knowing what they are doing
- Dialing 911 (or the local emergency number if it is different)
- Running to the home of neighbors who know about the abuse, and calling the police from there (if the police are supportive)
- Siblings agreeing to meet together in a pre-arranged spot
- Making an excuse to get Mom out of the home (such as going outdoors and faking an injury, so that she has to come out to help)
- Keeping a cellular phone hidden somewhere indoors, or in a garage or shed, without the abuser’s knowledge, where the children know where to find it if they need to call for help
- Planning phrases they can say to themselves or to each other to help them stay calm and get through the scary incident (such as, “We’re going to be okay.”)
- Leaving home as soon as they see that Dad has been drinking, or observe other behaviors that they know are warning signs of a scary incident
- Hiding weapons or other dangerous objects in the home so that Dad won’t be able to find them
- Teaching children to call the hotline for abused women in cases where they feel the need for advice about what to do
- Physically or verbally intervening to protect Mom (which can be very dangerous in some cases, so children should discuss the risks of this choice)
In some cases women discover that their children have already made agreements with each other involving these elements or similar ones, but hadn’t mentioned their plans to Mom because of feeling that the abuse was an issue they were not supposed to mention, or out of fear of making Mom feel embarrassed or ashamed.
I have heard a few professionals argue that safety planning with children of abused women is inappropriate, because it burdens them unduly with adult responsibility, reinforcing a dynamic that is already part of their experience. But in practice safety planning seems to make this burden less rather than increasing it; children already feel a profound desire, and a great need, to protect their mothers, as came across powerfully in Caroline McGee’s interviews. The only way to truly relieve that burden is to end or escape the abuse, which is far from easy to do, as I discussed in earlier chapters. In the mean time, most children are better off with some empowerment than without it.
If you have not made a safety plan for yourself, apart from any safety planning with your children, I would encourage you to do so first. You can look in Chapter 9 of Why Does He Do That? for an introduction to creating your own plan, but I encourage you if at all possible to work in conjunction with an advocate at a program for abused women. (And if you do not have time or transportation to get to the program, work with an advocate there by telephone).
Safety Planning for Unsupervised Visitation
As I discussed in Chapter 13, it is tragically common for family courts to require women to send their children on unsupervised visits with their abusive fathers, even in cases where there is an extensive and well-documented history of physical violence and/or sexual boundary violations on the part of the abuser.
Safety planning for unsupervised visitation can follow the points above, with the following additional considerations:
- Have them think through the set-up at their father’s home, perhaps even drawing a diagram with you, to consider where they could get behind a locked door, get access to a telephone, or both.
- Make sure they know your telephone number by heart.
- Send them on visits with a photograph of you that they can look at for reassurance, a stuffed animal they can hold, or other objects that can help them get through times of feeling afraid, insecure, or lonely.
- Let them know that they should make their own safety their top priority, even if it means they need to go along with their father on speaking badly about you or take other steps to placate him and keep him happy.
- Prepare them for how best to deal with his efforts to pump them for information about you (which a large proportion of abusers do in unsupervised visitation). Let them know that they can tell him what he is asking for if they feel that their safety depends on doing so, but that it is important when they get back home for them to tell you what they told him. (For example, if he has found out from them where you work, or the fact that you are dating a new partner, it is important for you to be able to plan for his possible reactions.)
- As above, discuss how the children might respond if they see signs that Dad has been drinking or see other danger signals, including what to do if he attempts to drive in the car with them while he is intoxicated.
- If you are concerned about possible abduction by the abuser, rehearse with your children their full name, the town and state you live in, and how to call 911. Discuss strategies for passing written messages to other adults to indicate that they are being abducted, or to leave messages in public restroom (especially women’s rooms where the abuser is unlikely to go).
As with safety planning when the abuser still lives at home, try to discuss the children’s anxieties openly with them while simultaneously trying not to alarm them or intensify their fears. Remind them that when safety plans don’t work, they are in no way to blame.
If you are involved in court litigation with your ex-partner over custody or visitation, the fact that you talked to your children about safety planning could be used against you, as the abuser may claim that you have been inculcating fear into the children that wasn’t there previously. Because of this risk, you might want to try to arrange with a professional to work out the safety plans with your children, either a therapist or an advocate at a program for abused women. If these resources are not available to you, you might want to only safety plan with children in cases where you are confident that they will not mention the plan to the abuser. (As I discussed in Chapter 5, secret-keeping needs to be avoided as much as possible with children who are exposed to an abusive man; if you ask them not to tell their father about the safety planning, be sure to emphasize to them that in general it is inappropriate for adults to ask children to keep secrets, and that the only exception is in cases where certain secrets are necessary to keep them safe and the child doesn’t mind keeping the secret.)
One would certainly hope that unsupervised visits would be stopped by the court if children continued over time to feel unsafe during them, but in practice children’s continued anxieties are often blamed on the mother, so long-term coping strategies can be necessary. These might include finding ways to secretly call Mom on the phone to talk, writing in journals to help keep their own sanity, tuning out their fears or loneliness by watching a lot of movies at Dad’s house (though heavy video exposure creates problems of its own, as I discussed earlier), and other approaches to psychological survival that you and your child might brainstorm together.
Valerie is the Kansas PMA Chapter Leader and co-administrator of the PMA Healing & Prayer Network.We thank you Valerie for your continued support, and prayers. I do not take it lightly that when we gather for our Prayer Meetings, that we “stand in agreement of prayer” , and believe that is true even now. As we pray together, every week at the usual time, bars cannot hold back our voices, our prayers will be even stronger because we have not lost hope–but stand firm in our faith. We believe in you Valerie, and will continue to pray for you and your children.
A Bible verse, that Valerie often included in our Prayer Meetings, has been on my mind since hearing this news, 1 John 4:18, “There is no fear in love, perfect fear drives out love..because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.” We rely on the love God has for us, and have faith He will answer our prayers.
Valerie, we will continue to support you, and thank you for all the love, efforts & sacrifices you have put into PMA. — PMA International & Supporters
Valerie Rosproy Prosecuted and Sentenced to 45 Days in JAIL
January 16, 2013
Charge: Violation of Stalking Order by Ex Husband
Valerie’s story of being jailed for 45 days in the Sedgwick County Jail on January 16, 2013 is a testimony how abusive a court system can be when it is used for purposes of further abusing a victim or victims of its system. The steps to get a bench warrant against her were carried out and immediately put her in jail, followed by a 24 hour initial hearing which was a precise calculated set of processes to insure maximum intrusion into her life. The time between the initial hearing and the discovery hearing was expedited in a super fast time frame despite the holiday season of Christmas and New Years. It proceeded at a pace that was very fast and as usual it was a sham from the word go…. One never see’s the most vicious criminal cases handled this quickly.
To give you a little background. Valerie went and got her a new cell phone on the third of December and of course it was one of those advanced models (Smart Phone you know). Anyhow they (Sprint) didn’t give her much instruction on its use and it appeared that she didn’t even get an instruction manual (it was buried in a box and hidden by a sleeve of cardboard and the outside cover of the box). She had asked the salesperson to download her address (contact) list out of her old phone and into the new one. They did get that done so she had her old contact list to use with the new phone.
Later, she was playing with her phone trying to get used to it, sliding her finger on the screen to reveal different features it offered and use of the contact list. Low and behold she still had her ex-husband’s cell phone number in it. Then the unthinkable occurred and I don’t know how but she managed to energize his number and it about panicked her when she did. She tried to stop it from dialing but couldn’t get it shut down. After ringing and there being no answer she heard his voice mail announcement and did a pretty thoughtless thing. She decided she would just leave a message stating she was sorry she called him and that it was an accident, then proceeded to ask him if he would give a message to her boys, “that she missed them and Loved them very much.” It didn’t take long for the great Narcissist (her ex) to get into action and contact the courts (namely Judge of the juvenile court, CINC branch) and then a Bench Warrant was issued for her arrest. Of course the court judge didn’t do this himself it was passed on to another Judge in the system so it wasn’t traceable to him.
The charge in the bench warrant was related to a Stalking Order which had been generated by her ex 7 months before stating that she was to have no contact with him. The processing of this order went through a time period from January through May of 2012 and was nothing but a series of mistakes, violation of laws and delays to intimidate Valerie as much as possible. There never was any evidence presented to support the charges made in the proposed order that qualified it to be considered and made into a permanent order by a court. The law (Kansas Law) states that any charge presented in an order to the court must be accompanied by proof of evidence within 20 days after it is filed. Well this never happened and all was delayed with additional hearings citing the reason that the defendant (Valerie) had filed an appeal with the appellate court for previous court action (termination of her rights) and they wanted to wait for its outcome. So, several hearings were rescheduled and held afterward which accomplished nothing. Well, there was another hearing that was scheduled and Valerie got the date for it mixed up with something else and didn’t appear and the court ruled that since she failed to appear, the Stalking Order was determined not being contested by anyone and therefore was approved by the court.
As a side note it is worth noting that about 2 months before the stalking order was put into effect, Valerie decided (mother’s intuition) that something was wrong with her youngest son of the two who were living with their dad at the time. She decided to go by the house regardless of the consequences to see if he was OK and of course a confrontation was inevitable with her ex. However, her intuition had proven right as she could tell the boys were totally afraid of her and didn’t even want to speak to her for fear of their dad and expressed it imminently. Her going to the house to see them was a violation of a previous order that “Severed Her Rights” to her children (8 months previous to this occurrence) through another court order that was a put up job where all the witnesses testifying had been rehearsed to state falsehoods about Valerie and was a total violation of her rights as a citizen and violated state laws governing the conditions of this type of proceeding. The witnesses she requested to testify on her behalf in her defense were not allowed into the court and never notified to appear. It was a typical court play act to intimidate and falsely prosecute a mother and separate her from her children through a corrupt judicial system. Most mothers know of many others who have suffered the same outcomes from a criminal and corrupt Judicial system.
She has been on probation for a while, about 6 months and when she went to her monthly probation meeting they scanned her record as usual and of course there was the Bench Warrant. Her probation officer (here in Hutchinson) contacted the local police department and they immediately arrested her and through her in Jail. Valerie’s mother had a sick feeling that something had happened when Valerie didn’t return at her usual time and asked me to contact the police department so I did and found out she had been picked up and jailed when we went to talk to them. We found out she had a bail amount of $25,000 attached to the warrant and of course we went through the process of getting her bailed out. We got her released about 9:00 PM, but she had a note given to her that she was to appear in court in the morning at 9:30 AM in Wichita, KS. So, we went through all of the motions to get her there and the Judge asked her how she pleaded and if she had a lawyer to represent her? She advised him No, and the Judge asked if she wanted one appointed? She said yes, and he gave her the name of one by the name of James Eicher. He is fairly new in Wichita and served in the Army for 23 years as a “JAG” attorney and said he had handled cases all over the world. Anyhow he is one of the best attorney’s she has ever had and he tried to help in every way. He even had her write up an apology letter to the court and read it in front of the Judge (Jeff Syrios). Her lawyer even requested that she be allowed to remain on probation be forgiven the accidental incident. But, that isn’t what had been prescribed by the Juvenile Court CINC Judge (my assessment) and Syrios admonished her and in a roundabout manner and told her she needed to be taught a lesson that when the court order (a stalking order by Mike) stated she was to have no contact with her ex it meant exactly that. Therefore he was sentencing her to 45 days in the county jail. This all occurred on July 16th of 2013.
Ironically, the Appellate Court Judges met on January 15th 2013 to determine a ruling in her appeal with them regarding the charges made by her stating that the ruling in the Sedgwick County Juvenile CINC case denied her of her rights to due process because of “Ineffective Assistance by Counsel” and requested that the decision to sever her rights as a mother should be overturned. The request is backed up by 102 statements made in her Petition to the appellate court and proof of evidence that her rights have been violated and that state statutes were violated in the processing of her case in both Family and Juvenile Courts in Sedgwick County Kansas 102 times. It will take about 60 days for them to render their decision. Please pray for a fair and just outcome for her benefit and thousands of mothers and children who have experienced the same criminal behavior in our courts. It is hoped that her appeal will become an instrument of Case Law.
Yesterday, her mother and I tried to go see her at the Sedgwick County Jail and was informed that she had been moved to Sumner County (Wellington) Detention facility, so we drove from the Sedgwick County Jail to Wellington and was informed that we could not see her there today, but could visit with her from 1:00 – 4:00 PM on Saturday. So we are planning on going there then.
We did get to see Valerie on Saturday and Sunday. She is suffering the anxiety and emotional stress that most people experience when incarcerated and really misses being able to see her two boys. But also misses all her friends on the outside and knows that they are all praying for her which is a great comfort to her. Her faith in God is strong and very important part of her daily battle of survival during this time.
The above was written by Valerie’s father.
Just our thoughts on the Katie Holmes/ Tom Cruise custody and divorce;
Married Moms in controlling and abusive relationships who want out while protecting their children, need to closely examine Katie’s strategy. Clearly with 223 children per day sent to live with their abuser parent by family court in the U.S, we cannot rely on our ” justice system” to act in the best interest of our children. Being smart about it and using knowledge of important info along with proof may ” convince” the controlling spouse to act in the child’s best interest. Never underestimate the power of planning in a smart yet peaceful way. Katie; good moms who unknowingly believed that truth would prevail in family court, and who had their hearts broken, family’s destroyed, and lives altered forever, stand together cheering you on. We feel immense joy knowing you and your daughter are now safe from control and DV by proxy forever. You are now both free. Free to enjoy life, free from oppression and control, and free to love each other with your God -given mother and child bond intact.
Katie Holmes made secret calls to Tom Cruise’s ex wife Nicole Kidman while masterminding her marriage exit strategy, it has been claimed.
Well Played Katie. Congrats! Married Moms who need to leave while protecting their child, should look at how Katie strategized as an example to follow. We may also speculate that she had some very embarrassing info on him which she put to good use to protect their daughter.
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There is a crisis in our nation’s family courts, where judges rule against victims of domestic violence and their children and give custody to abusers and pe…
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February 4,2013 at 7 PM EST through February 5, 2013 at 7 AM EST in the privacy of your home,world-wide Please join PMA Intl.
in this world wide prayer , fasting and candle lighting event.
Topic; The healing and restoration of the mother and child bond. All beliefs are welcome. This is an all inclusive event for all protective mothers and their supporters. Simply light a candle with us or join our PMA Intl. prayer warriors for deep prayer and/or abstinence from solid foods. Please feel free to join us in any or all aspects of this event. Fast- if you choose -in a variety of ways available to do so. IE: If you love coffee you may choose to abstain from your usual morning cup yet continue to eat as always. Please research the different types of fast. Please check with your doctor first before eliminating all solid foods. If you have a medical condition please just join us in lighting a candle and/or prayer or choose to eliminate certain foods which will not harm your health. Lets join forces around the world with common focus, prayer and intention towards this issue while lifting our voices up as one towards the heavens, requesting and manifesting change. In peace and love xo
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